Christmas Cracker Jokes!!!!!?

A man walked into a bar? - ouch
Father Christmas said, doctor, I feel so unfit, - the doctor replied, you need to go to an elf farm.
Have you heard the joke about the broken pencil? - There's no point in telling you
How did the human cannonball lose his job? - He got fired
How do you hire a horse? - Stand in on four bricks
How do you keep cool at a football match? - you stand next to a fan
How do you like school? - Closed
How do Snowmen travel aeound? - by icicle

If money does not grow on trees, how come banks have so many branches?
Stephen; why are you late for school? - I was dreaming of a football match and it went into extra time
Ten people were all sheltering under one small umbrella, how come non of them got wet? - because it was not raining
What are two rows of cabbages called? - A dual cabbage way
What award goes to designers of door knockers? - A no bell prize
What bee can never be understood? - a mumble-bee
What cereals do cats like? - Mice crispies
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? - Your too young to smoke
What did the dolphin say when his mate had an accident? - you did that on porpoise
What did the Eskimos sing when they got their Christmas Dinner? - Whalemeat again, don't know...
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? - nothing, it just gave off a little wine
What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep? - Ah, meals on wheels.
What did the police man say to his stomach? - your under a vest
What do crackers, nuts, and fruitcake remind me of? - You
What do mice do in the daytime? - Mousework
What did one pig say to the other? - Will you be my pen pal

What do sea monsters eat? - fish and ships
What do short sighted spooks wear? - Spooktacles
What do you call a bee with a quiet hum? - a mumble bee
What do you call a deer with no eyes? - No Idea
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? - Lily
What do you call a man eith a tree growing out of hi head? - Ed-ward
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? - Doyouthinkhesawus
What do you call a primate who is king of the jungle? - Henry the ape
What do you call a sick Crocodile? - An illigator
What do you call a vicar on a motor bike? - Rev
What do you call an Eskimo Cow? - an Eskimoo
What do you call an Australian sorcerer? - The wizard of Oz
What do you call five bottles of lemonade? - A pop group
What do you get if you cross a bee with a bell? - a hum dinger
What do you get if you drop a piano on a soldier? - A flat major
What do you get if you lay down under a cow? - A pat on the back
What do you get when you cross a cat with a chemist? - Puss in boots
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a packet of crisps? - Snacks that go munch in he night
What do you get when you cross a piece of bacon with a spaceship? - an unidentified frying object
What does a Lion have for breakfast? - Cheetabix
What does a vampire have for breakfast? - Readyneck
What does Good King Weceslas like his Pizza? - Deep and crisp and even
What does Santa do with overweight Elves? - He sends them to an Elf farm
What does the word minimum mean? - A small mother
What fish sleep a lot? - Kippers
What gets bigger the more you take from it? - a hole
What happens when your pet frog breaks down? - it gets toad away
What has a bed but does not sleep and a mouth but does not speak? - A river
What has a neck, yet can not swallow? - A bottle
What has eight arms and tells the time? - A Clocktopus
What has eyes but can not see? - A potato
What is a frogs favorite drink? - croaka cola
What is an ig? - An Eskimo home without a loo!

What is an underground train full of professors called? - a tube of smarties
What is it unlucky to see a black cat? - When you are a mouse
What is the fastest fish in the world? - A motor pike
What is the lady copper doing up a tree? - She works for special branch
What is the most popular Christmas wine? - I don't like Brussel Sprouts
What is the most shocking city in the world? - Electri-city
What is yellow and a wiz at math's? - A banana with a calculator
What kind of car does a lady in a pantomime drive? - A dame-ler
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? - a nervous wreck
What must you know to be an auctioneer? - Lots
What outlaw lives at the bottom of the sea? - Billy the squid
What sort of music do you hear most in the jungle? - snake, rattle and roll
What Sweets do frogs like? - Lolly-hops
What type of room has no windows or doors? - a Mushroom
What vegetable needs a plumber? - a leek
What was the first motorised vegetable? - the horseless cabbage
What's green and goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit? - Morse Toad
When is a boat like a pile of snow? - when it's adfrift
Where can you buy British Rail bubble gum? - On a chew chew train
Where do generals keep their armies? - up their sleevies
Where do ghosts send their laundry? - to the dry-screamers
Where in a jungle is it not safe to park? - On a double yellow lion.
Where should a dressmaker build her house? - on the outskirts
Which country has the largest appetite? - Hungary
Who is Santa afraid of? - The Elf and safety officer
Who was the world's first underwater spy? - James pond
Why are cooks cruel? - they beat eggs, whip cream and batter fish
Why are Police Officers so strong? - Because they hold up traffic
Why are you taking those trainers into the exam? - I was hoping to jog my memory
Why did Micky Mouse travel into space? - He was looking for Pluto
Why did Santa hand in his resignation? - Because there was no Claus(e) in his contract
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? - because it was stuck to the chicken
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? - To see his flat mate
Why did the hen cross the road? - to prove she wasn't a chicken
Why did the red Indian call the cowboy paleface? - because he had a face like a bucket
Why did the spaceman go to the optician? - because he kept seeing stars in his eyes
Why did the turtle cross the road? - It was the chickens day off
Why do bees hum? - because they don't know the words
Why hasn't anyone ever stolen a canal? - it has too many locks
Why is a foot a good Christmas present? - because it's a stocking filler
Why is the school football pitch always soggy? - because the players are always dribbling
You have been working hard in the garden, what are you growing? - tired

Sorry!

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