Christmas Cracker Jokes!!!!!?
What
do you call a vicar on a motor bike?
- Rev
If money does not grow on trees, how come they have so
many branches?
You have been working hard in the garden, what are you
growing? - tired
What has a neck, yet can not swallow?
- A bottle
Why are cooks cruel? - they
beat eggs, whip cream and batter fish
What sort of music do you hear most in the jungle?
- snake, rattle and roll
What are two rows of cabbages called?
- A dual cabbage way
What do you call a primate who is king of the jungle?
- Henry the ape
Who was the world's first underwater spy?
- James pond
Where do ghosts send their laundry?
- to the dry-screamers
Stephen; why are you late for school? -
I was dreaming of a football match and it went into extra time
Where in a jungle is it not safe to park? -
On a double yellow lion.
What did the police man say to his stomach?
- your under a vest
What do short sighted spooks wear?
- Spooktacles
What do you get when you cross a piece of bacon with a
spaceship? - an unidentified frying object
Why did the spaceman go to the optician?
- because he kept seeing stars in his eyes
What gets bigger the more you take from it?
- a hole
What do you get when you cross a cat with a chemist?
- Puss in boots
What do you call five bottles of lemonade?
- A pop group
What outlaw lives at the bottom of the sea?
- Billy the squid
What was the first motorised vegetable?
- the horseless cabbage
Why are you taking those trainers into the exam?
- I was hoping to jog my memory
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a packet of
crisps? - Snacks that go munch in he night
Ten people were all sheltering under one small umbrella,
how come non of them got wet? - because it was
not raining
What do sea monsters eat? -
fish and ships
What vegetable needs a plumber?
- a leek
What is the most shocking city in the world?
- Electri-city
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
- nothing, it just gave off a little wine
What
did the dolphin say when his mate had an accident?
- you did that on porpoise
Why
is the school football pitch always soggy? - because
the players are always dribbling
What
kind of car does a lady in a pantomime drive? -
A dame-ler
What
is a frogs favorite drink? - croaka cola
A
man walked into a bar? - ouch
How
do you like school? - Closed
What
is the lady copper doing up a tree? - She works
for special branch
Why
do bees hum? - because they don't know the words
What
fish sleep a lot? - Kippers
What
do you get if you cross a bee with a bell? - a
hum dinger
What
do you call an Australian sorcerer? - The wizard
of Oz
What's
green and goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit? - Morse
Toad
What
is yellow and a wiz at math's? - A banana with
a calculator
What
is it unlucky to see a black cat? - When you are
a mouse
Why
did Santa hand in his resignation? - Because there
was no Claus(e) in his contract
What
happens when your pet frog breaks down? - it gets
toad away
Why
hasn't anyone ever stolen a canal? - it has too
many locks
What
is the fastest fish in the world? - A motor pike
Why
is a foot a good Christmas present? - because it's
a stocking filler
What
do you call a bee with a quiet hum? - a mumble
bee
How
do you hire a horse? - Stand in on four bricks
Why
did the hedgehog cross the road? - To see his flat
mate
Have you heard the joke about the pencil?
- There's no point in telling you
Why did the red Indian call the cowboy paleface?
- because he had a face like a bucket
Where do generals keep their armies?
- up their sleevies
What
do mice do in the daytime? - Mousework
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
- Lily
What
has eyes but can not see? - A potato
What
do you get if you drop a piano on a soldier? -
A flat major
What
did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
- Your too young to smoke
What
do you get if you lay down under a cow? - A pat
on the back
What
cereals do cats like? - Mice crispies
Why
did Micky Mouse travel into space? - He was looking
for Pluto
What
does a Lion have for breakfast? - Cheetabix
What
do you call a one eyed dinosaur? - Doyouthinkhesawus
What
do you call a deer with no eyes? - No Idea
Why
did the turtle cross the road? - It was the chickens
day off
How
did the human cannonball lose his job? - He got
fired
What
has a bed but does not sleep and a mouth but does not speak?
- A river
What
does the word minimum mean? - A small mother